I am not good enough
I. AM. NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH.
Turns out, this is my negative core belief. Woooo. Pretty heavy there. Pretty scary to put that out here too. But, here goes...
A couple of years ago now, for various reasons, a couple of my friends had been to visit a counsellor. They were coming back and talking to me about it, how good she was, how nice, and all the interesting things they were figuring out. I started to get massive FOMO (fear of missing out). Like, seriously?! I am fascinated by the mind and our thoughts, and I was really intrigued as to what I could figure out about me. What would she have to say?!
I didn’t really have any big concerns at the time, I thought, I’ve always been pretty good with my thoughts and emotions. Just managing to get on with things and deal with my own issues. I’m a ‘Cockell’, after all (if you hadn’t spotted, that’s my surname). Cockell’s are strong.
So, I decided to book a consultation and go. I got into the room, and… I wept like a baby. Like balling my eyes out! The tears wouldn’t stop. What. On. Earth?! Me... ‘Don’t do emotion’? Pfff! My arse! I’m not sure if it was the thought of what she may find, or that my feelings are normally so battened down, deep down, that she’d managed to unleash a whole heap of emotions. Anyway, I rebooked for another session, and told her, with a giggle, that I’d bring my own box of tissues with me next time!
I did go again, and I was fascinated by the discussions we had. As mentioned above, it turns out my negative core belief is ‘I am not good enough’. Wooooooow!! This was a real eye opener. Apparently we all generally have a negative core belief. The problem is how much we allow it to affect us if we don’t recognise it. I’m so grateful now that I know and recognise this part of me. At the time, when it all came out, I was discussing someone I was dating at the time. I can’t remember the exact words I used in relation to myself and this person, but I remember it came down to ‘I am not good enough’. And, it was true that, in some ways at the time, there was a deep something that thought that. It was having a massive effect on how I was relating to that person (not always my relaxed, fun, and confident, self). I was a bit on edge at times, holding back. Let’s face it, if you let your behaviours change in such a way, it’s never going to work. Not only that, the ‘I am not good enough’ will come across, and you’ll be treated like you’re not. To an extent, and I don’t for one minute blame the other person, I was. I was the girl kept hanging, and that’s not my style at aaaaall! But, if you don’t think you’re good enough, why should/would anyone else?
The silly thing was, my ‘I am not good enough’ in this situation was generally down to material possessions and status. RIDICULOUS!!
I use this as an example as this is how my core belief was found; discussions continued and I realised it wasn’t just down to relationships this core belief could creep in, but all areas of my life. There would occasionally be a small fear about something and I’d realise the reason why. Generally something like this starts years back, maybe even when you’re very young; From discussions I was able to figure out points where this may have come from for me. How about you, if you have these thoughts, can you think where it came from? What started you believing such a thought?
I now know that it’s just a whole heap of crap! I now know that I am good enough. I am good enough for them, and anyone else. No one is better, or worse than me, and I am no better or worse than anyone else. We all have our quirks, our good and bad qualities, no one is perfect. I also know I am good enough in so many areas of my life. Sure, there are many things I’d love to improve, and could do better, but I am good enough. I am good enough to achieve anything I wish. Pretty empowering, right?
I only ended up having that one session after my consultation session, but I’m really thankful for how the whole situation came about and that I managed to find this out about me, as I now don’t let the opinion of any small negative voice within me (or from anyone else) override. I know I’m a good person and if there’s any creeping doubt about something, I remind myself that instead. I remind myself to be calm, honest, and thoughtful.
I wanted to share as I do think it’s so important for us to open up and honour our feelings and emotions. So often we just keep it in, put on a brave face, and get on with it. It’s so important we honour how we truly feel, and figure out why. If this can just help one other person think, ‘you know what? I’m normal’, or ‘it’s ok’. That it’s also ok to visit a counsellor, to figure out more about yourself, to talk, to open up, then that’s a good thing! If you just bottle things up, you’ll need to spend far too much money on tissues (like me!), when you lift the lid!
Always be true to yourself. You ARE good enough.